One Fell-Swoop

I keep wishing
it seems it's all I got

A lot of things have been falling out over the last 24 hours. I think I've allowed a lot of pillars to fall and it feels like I'm sitting here with the roof caved in on me.

There's a girl, despite the world hating, that I loved. It's been almost 3 years that she's resided in my head and had weight in my heart. Just to get a message from her that said " i dont feel like we are friends anymore " really ate at me. This was the girl who was on the line always for me and I let her slip through.

It's only been spiraling down. There's a guy who'd I give the title of best friend. The guy has been a hero of mine since I was 7. I'm 17. He was always there for me. I've never been able to defend myself in anything. I'll admit, I'm a short defenseless punk-ass kid, but this guy looked out for me. Every time someone beat me up he made sure they got what they had coming to them. For the few months though, he's been cutting out the middle man. I don't get picked on now by anyone but him. I was hearing less and less from him. I don't even think I know him anymore. So tonight he told me straight up "F*** You, pray I don't see you in person". What do you do with that? I can't even talk out my issues with these people, they just turn off.

Those are the two people I think I'm really going to miss in life. I don't think my life would have been the same without them. There's still many I could throw on top of that. I could turn this into a shopping list, but that's not what it is. It's like these people have tuned out of my life for good...

I'm going to stop there. I have more I can write, but my fingers are freezing at the keys.

Amongst Roses and Weeds

life's better with few roses than many weeds

Another night, sitting up, thinking and dreaming. But with each of these I start to feel a little less alone. I realize that I really like the atmosphere of the night here in SoCal. It's beautiful. I can throw my window open, turn the lights down and just reflect on all this. This weird thing.

I've been having this feeling lately; the one where you look over at you friend and realize that there's more on the menu for him than there is for you. Just lately there's been a lot of that. I've placed myself and asked the standard line up:
"What's wrong with me"
"What am I lacking"
"What do they all have that I don't"
I could beat the crap out of myself with this all day. Part of it is because I can't beat the crap out of anything but myself.

Tonight amidst sharing thoughts and words, I realized something that had been thrown at me so many times. That life is so much nice to have the few roses in front of you rather than looking through weeds to find something special. I took me back to 13, when I had 3 roses to choose from. I remember choosing one and grabbing tight, trying not to let go for anything. After awhile though, I had to drop the rose. I grabbed it too tight and as the thorns dug into my skin I had to let go of it.

So I sit her today, a few pedals left as memories with a few flowers to gaze at in the distance. There's nothing telling me to take it. There's nothing waiting for me to take it. There's nothing I want to take in this picture. It's as if the ground beneath me isn't strong enough to yield the flowers again. It hurts waiting on barren land.

A Star up in the Sky

I bury myself in a shapeless sea
but these stories can't escape me

I've already tried to open this entry about four different ways, but now I'm just jumping in.

Tonight I stayed home, by myself, in my room with nothing but some green tea and panda express. Tonight didn't look promising to say the least. Tonight though, was a change up. I got to just sit and talk about all the crap. The neat thing was, it was with someone I didn't really expect it from. We talked about life and really everything in it. At the end, I realized that life is so much crap and yet it some how comes together to form this beautiful thing.

The only way I could describe it is how stars form. If you think about it, these stars are just made from space crap and dust and yet some how when enough of that comes together is makes this glowing ball of light just out in the middle of the pitch black nothing. That's life; and as the days pass, I begin to appreciate it more and more.

Home Opener

there's turbulence in everyones skies
and the higher you fly the more I feel it.

There's this certain feeling I get from writing. I could never stop. A ton of thought's are going to come through here and that's fine with me. I'm tired of so much right now. I'm sick of the world taking advantage of me, my thoughts, my choices, my money and my life. I'm moving forward now.

I'm writing for myself. This is for me. Don't give this a "style" or put this in a format. I'm just a kid. I'm the toy that sits on the bottom of the bucket; the one that made it's way there after years of not being wanted. There's still something there though... and this is it.